Hell Is Other People-And Why That's The Point

Authoring Your Future: Shifting Your Agency

"You are not the victim of the world, but rather the master of your own destiny." — Wayne Dyer

"All problems are interpersonal relationship problems." — Alfred Adler

"Practice isn't the thing you do once you're good. It's the thing you do that makes you good." — Malcolm Gladwell

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." — Wayne Dyer

"Meanings are not determined by situations, but we determine ourselves by the meanings we give to situations." — Alfred Adler

"The visionary starts with a clean sheet of paper, and re-imagines the world." — Malcolm Gladwell

"You cannot always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside." — Wayne Dyer

"No experience is a cause of success or failure… but we make out of them just what suits our purposes." — Alfred Adler

"The act of facing overwhelming odds produces greatness and beauty." — Malcolm Gladwell

The Sales Floor Revelation

"If you're not pissing someone off, you're not doing your job." This crude wisdom from my sales manager would later reveal a profound truth about authentic living and the courage to be disliked.

Jean-Paul Sartre wrote, "Hell is other people." Most people think this means other people are inherently evil, but that's not what he meant at all.

What Sartre understood — and what took me decades to learn — is that our relationships with others are simultaneously our greatest source of meaning... and our greatest source of torment.

If you were completely alone in the universe, what problems would you actually have? You might be hungry, cold, or tired, but you wouldn't have anyone to compare yourself to, impress, disappoint, or fear judgment from.

Alfred Adler put it directly: "All problems are interpersonal relationship problems."

Almost everything we struggle with — anxiety, self-doubt, frustration, unhappiness — comes from how we relate to others: how we think they see us, how much we crave their approval, how we measure ourselves against them.

For most of my life, I told myself a story:

"My childhood wired me this way."
"My trauma ruined any shot at peace."
"I can't trust people because of what happened."

It was a perfect system because if my unhappiness was caused by things that already happened, things I couldn't change, then I never had to take responsibility for changing anything now.

But here's what I discovered: We're told, "You're unhappy because of what happened to you." But the truth is: you're unhappy because you keep using your past as an excuse to stay unhappy now.

Wayne Dyer said it perfectly: "You are not the victim of the world, but rather the master of your own destiny."

We live inside stories — about who we are, why we struggle, and what we're capable of. But the great thinkers Alfred Adler, Wayne Dyer, and Malcolm Gladwell taught me: these stories are not fixed. They're choices.

If trauma dictated happiness, then everyone with the same experience would feel the same. But they don't. Some people who experienced childhood abuse become abusers themselves. Others become counselors dedicated to helping abuse survivors.

What makes the difference? It's not the event itself — it's the meaning you assign to it now.

🔑 Key Practices for Rewriting Your Story

Each week, identify one past event you've been using as an excuse and ask: What new meaning could I assign to this?
When you catch yourself saying "I can't because of my past," immediately follow with: But what if I could despite my past?
Practice telling your story with you as the hero who overcame, not the victim who was defeated
Look for evidence that contradicts your limiting beliefs about yourself
Ask: What goal is my current story serving, and is it helping or hurting me?

"Change the story, and you change your life."

📖 Key Takeaways

Your past is just a story — you can rewrite its meaning today
Trauma doesn't determine destiny — interpretation does
The meaning you assign to events matters more than the events themselves
You're not editing your past — you're authoring your future

I lived in what I call the "interpersonal comparison cage."

I ran a silent scoreboard in my head every single day. Who was winning? Who was better? Was I behind? Was I ahead?

It was exhausting — and it was endless.

As Alfred Adler wisely noted: "The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well." We imagine everyone else has it figured out, but that's just because we don't see their internal struggles.

I wasn't afraid of failure — I was afraid of who I could become if I stopped measuring myself against everyone else.

🔑 Key Practices for Breaking Free from Comparison

When you catch yourself comparing, ask: What am I really afraid of here?
Unfollow social media accounts that trigger your comparison tendencies
Practice celebrating others' wins without making it about your own lack
Focus on your progress, not your position relative to others
Ask: Am I competing or am I creating?

"The only race worth running is the one between who you are and who you could become."

📖 Key Takeaways

Comparison is a cage that keeps you small and restless
The "normal" people you envy are fighting battles you can't see
Your worth isn't determined by your ranking against others
Freedom comes from focusing on your own lane and contribution

This next part is hard to admit, but it's crucial to understand: I used victimhood as a throne.

I clung to my pain. I wore my old wounds like badges of honor. They were my justification, my strange source of identity and control.

Because staying the victim gives us a strange sense of control. We don't have to risk failing. We get to blame others. We can avoid the scary work of change.

But that "throne" of victimhood is really a cage — it keeps you small, keeps you powerless, keeps you stuck.

🔑 Key Practices for Stepping Down from the Throne

When you catch yourself complaining about the same thing repeatedly, ask: What am I avoiding by staying here?
Practice taking responsibility for one small thing each day instead of blaming circumstances
Notice when you're using your past pain to control or manipulate others
Ask yourself: Am I seeking sympathy or seeking solutions?
Replace "I can't because..." with "I choose not to because..." and notice the difference

"The throne of victimhood is really a cage. True power comes from stepping down and stepping forward."

📖 Key Takeaways

Victimhood can feel powerful but actually keeps you powerless
Pain becomes problematic when you use it to avoid growth
Taking responsibility is scary but liberating
You can acknowledge your wounds without living from them

Here's the practical shift that changed everything for me.

We spend much of our lives carrying things that don't belong to us: other people's expectations, judgments, moods, disappointments.

I drew an imaginary bubble around myself.

Inside that bubble? My thoughts. My choices. My actions. My responses. My values. My goals.

Outside that bubble? Everyone else's thoughts, choices, actions, and responses.

Most of our unhappiness comes from trying to control what's outside the bubble — leaking energy into battles that aren't ours.

🔑 Key Practices for Staying in the Bubble

Each morning, ask: What is truly mine to carry today? What is not mine?
When conflict arises, pause and say silently: Their reaction belongs to them, my response belongs to me.
Stop fighting battles outside your bubble — you cannot win someone else's war
Let go of trying to be "normal" or universally liked. That's outside your bubble, too

"Freedom begins the moment you stop carrying what's not yours."

📖 Key Takeaways

Draw a clear boundary between what is yours and what isn't
Drop the throne of victimhood — take responsibility for what you can change
Stop measuring yourself against others — comparison is a cage
Stay in your bubble: focus on what you think, feel, and choose

You know what finally gave me peace with other people's opinions? This simple framework:

Out of any ten people you meet:

Seven won't care much about you either way
Two will genuinely like you
One won't

But for most of my life, I obsessed over that one person who didn't like me.

My job isn't to win over the person who doesn't like me. My job is to approve of myself first.

🔑 Key Practices for the 2-Out-of-10 Mindset

When someone doesn't like you, remind yourself: They might just be the 1 out of 10 — and that's okay
Focus your energy on the 2 who genuinely appreciate you rather than the 1 who doesn't
Practice saying: "Not my circus, not my monkeys" when someone's disapproval bothers you
Ask yourself: Am I trying to win over someone who was never going to like me anyway?
Celebrate when someone dislikes your authentic self — it means you're not performing

"The freedom to be disliked by some is the price of being loved by the right ones — starting with yourself."

📖 Key Takeaways

You don't need everyone's approval to thrive
Obsessing over critics wastes energy meant for supporters
Self-approval is the foundation of all other relationships
Being disliked is often a sign you're living authentically

At some point in our lives, most of us wake up to a quiet disappointment: no matter how hard we've worked to be liked, to win approval, to impress others… it never seems to be enough.

When I finally stopped performing for applause, I started creating for impact.

When I stopped trying to be liked, I started trying to be useful. And that's when joy showed up — quietly, steadily.

The antidote? Shift from trying to look impressive to trying to be of service. Stop asking, "Do they like me?" and start asking, "Am I useful here?"

🔑 Key Practices for Moving From Validation to Contribution

In every situation, ask yourself: What does this need from me? rather than How do I look here?
Identify what energizes you to give — and give that
Reframe your weaknesses as unique ways to connect and help
Catch yourself when you're chasing "likes" instead of making a difference
Define your worth by your usefulness, not your applause

"Joy arrives quietly, steadily, when you stop performing for others and start contributing to them instead."

📖 Key Takeaways

Needing approval is a trap; offering usefulness is freedom
Your past mistakes and present imperfections can become gifts to others
Joy is not in being admired, but in being of service
Stop performing. Start contributing.

My sales manager was right, in a way he probably didn't even understand.

If you're not pissing someone off, you're not doing your job — not just in sales, but in life.

Because "your job" in life is to be authentically yourself. To live according to your values. To pursue your goals. To contribute your unique gifts to the world.

And if you're doing any of that genuinely, some people aren't going to like it.

The courage to be disliked isn't about being obnoxious or inconsiderate. It's about being yourself even when that self doesn't fit neatly into other people's expectations.

🔑 Key Practices for Courageous Authenticity

Practice saying "no" to requests that don't align with your values
Reflect daily: What choices did I make today that were true to me?
When facing criticism, ask: Is this feedback useful or just fear?
Surround yourself with people who respect your authenticity
Embrace discomfort as the cost of freedom

"To be disliked by some is a small price to pay for the freedom to be loved by the right ones — and, most importantly, by yourself."

📖 Key Takeaways

Fear of being disliked limits your freedom
Authenticity is the foundation of meaningful relationships
Conflict is a sign of growth, not failure
Your worth isn't determined by universal approval

Your Power Lies in Your Choices

At the end of the day, you have one choice: Keep hiding behind your past to avoid risk — or drop it, and step into the future you actually want to create.

📚 Remember the Core Frameworks:

✅ The 2-Out-of-10 Rule • ✅ The Bubble • ✅ Story Rewriting • ✅ Usefulness Over Approval • ✅ Authenticity Practice

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